


Hey nonny, nonny

by UlsPi



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Comedy, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, Much Ado About Nothing AU, Mutual Pining, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:28:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23153203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UlsPi/pseuds/UlsPi
Summary: Much Ado about Nothing + Good Omens written for the GO romcom event.
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 86
Kudos: 83
Collections: Good Omens Rom Com Event





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Betaed by natalunasans.

Act 1

Scene 1

_ (Dark empty stage. Author comes in after a minute of annoying nothingness that might have a higher meaning, but in this case doesn't. Author considers delivering their speech in the TED talk manner, but thankfully reconsiders and sits on the floor.) _

AUTHOR: See, nothing is the only thing worth causing any ado about. Nothing bears countless possibilities… no, what I meant is that nothingness bears countless possibilities. Therefore both Lear and Maria were wrong when they said that nothing comes from nothing. Incidentally, Marlow also used that phrase, which is not the point. In the ideal world I strive to build here, nothingness, endless mischief, funny and kind adventures are as much the stuff of life as water. Yet, I'm bending your ears for a different reason. I came up here to make a pledge. I serve the ideal I've mentioned and nothing else. Therefore I swear to make no profit off my wit and words. I swear to make you laugh and forget your troubles. I swear to remain humble even if I have no reasons to. I swear to be silly. I swear to be clever. I swear to be wild and quote Wilde. I swear to stay loyal to Goethe. If I fail, well, then laugh at me, but please don't be cruel. I swear to never be cruel to you. Good? Good. I trust you. 

Scene 2

_ (The stage is miraculously transformed into the living room of an obnoxiously expensive and modern house. Everything here is technology, which might be frustrating for both the owner and the visitors. It's modern, fashionable, sterile and remains so even through an evening of drinks and bad jokes the middle of which we are bearing witness to.) _

CROWLEY: Love is the source of all the troubles, and so is sex, and therefore I choose to remain a loveless bastard and get my pheromones going by golf, mountain skiing, wind surfing and especially freediving!

BEA: Which I decypher as you having a shitload of kinks and being a hopeless romantic.

CROWLEY: How dare you? And look at Anathema. A war hero, a legend, and one day of good sex turns her into a smitten bride, and for what? For that nuisance of a human which is Newt Pulsifer!

ANATHEMA: I can hear you.

CROWLEY: I do hope so. 

ANATHEMA: And you are not a  _ war hero _ yourself to judge me.

CROWLEY: No, the army just bought my software you yourself used to become a war hero and totally took advantage of my young age and deplorable lack of both money and morals.

ANATHEMA: Ok, point taken. Pour me more.

CROWLEY: And Newt… well, he's a decent fellow, but we all know that his family's wit is concentrated in Aziraphale.

BEA: I was actually timing you, you know? Congratulations on your new record, you managed to spend two hours, six minutes and ten seconds without mentioning Aziraphale.

CROWLEY: Well, I can't see why, Bea. The man is witty, when he's not too busy being a fussy, old-fashioned, boring bookworm.

BEA: I think all of that contradicts your point about his wit.

ANATHEMA: And he is witty. Clever. Just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.

CROWLEY: It's not enough to capture my heart, and I'm heartless, so nothing to capture.

ANATHEMA: So it won't be any problem for you to attend my engagement party, right?

CROWLEY: You got me drunk to bring it up, didn't you? Well, of course I will, you are my friend!

BEA: Sap.

ANATHEMA: You're invited too.

BEA: Fuck.

ANATHEMA: Gabriel will be there too.

BEA: Shit.

CROWLEY: What's that wanker got to do with anything?

ANATHEMA: And it's a masquerade!

BEA and CROWLEY: What the hell?!

Scene 3

_ (Anathema's engagement party. It's taking place in a garden, which is frankly not very well taken care of, but what would you expect from a family of righteous angelic creatures? As of the moment we are in a dark corner of the garden, where Crowley is getting drunker by the minute. He's drinking expensive champagne gay from the bottle, all the while sprawled over the bench. Oh, and he's dressed as a demon. Enter Aziraphale, dressed in his usual vaguely Victorian attire, but with a white bauta. Crowley honestly pretends not to recognise him. Probably he doesn't, he's too drunk.) _

AZIRAPHALE: Really, my dear? Whoever drinks champagne of such quality straight from the bottle?

CROWLEY: First, I haven't done a straight thing in my life. Second, who are you dressed as?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, I'm me, but with a bauta. You must be a demon.

CROWLEY: Guess so. Too drunk to concentrate... or remember.

AZIRAPHALE: Only Crowley would dress like that and forget about it. Do you know him?

CROWLEY: Crowley? Sounds familiar… But at this point of our broadcast anything can happen, you know. You don't seem to like him.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, I like him a lot, I guess. He's a very easy person to like at first sight. Then he makes it all so difficult… he's the best man I know. Care to share your drink?

CROWLEY: Gladly! What are you doing hiding from everyone?

AZIRAPHALE: Why, thank you, my dear. See, I don't like that Newt is engaged to Anathema. He's my cousin, you know, and he could have had it so much better than this general.

CROWLEY: Both of them could have had it so much better than each other. Sex clouds our judgment. I suppose. Haven't had any in ages.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, poor thing. You must be frustrated! Unless of course you are ace and…

CROWLEY: Oh, I wish. I'm frustrated. You?

AZIRAPHALE: There are always pleasures one can find in a discreet club.

CROWLEY: Hate to tell you, but you don't have to be discreet anymore. You don’t always dress like this, do you?

AZIRAPHALE: I do. And I prefer my pleasures discreet. Not everyone can snog as shamelessly as Anathema and Newt.

CROWLEY: That's my point! It's just disgusting how happy they are.

AZIRAPHALE: Or you are just envious.

CROWLEY: I am not!

AZIRAPHALE: Please, don't try to get up. 

CROWLEY: Wouldn't dream of it. Are  _ you _ envious?

AZIRAPHALE: No, of course not! If… if I loved someone, I wouldn't let anyone see my happiness. I'd just take them to the Ritz, restaurant, then hotel, dine and wine them, pine for them and shag them senseless.

CROWLEY: Lucky bastard.

AZIRAPHALE: Perhaps… The only person I want to do that with is terribly oblivious. Or I am. Too drunk to judge.

CROWLEY: Give me my bottle back.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, right, so silly of me. Here you are, dear.

CROWLEY: Do you address everyone as "dear"?

AZIRAPHALE: Unless they are a deer. Then I refer to them as "foul fiend,", for my love is a demon of many admirable qualities.

CROWLEY: Who would ever refuse the angelic cloud that you are?

AZIRAPHALE: According to my brother Gabriel who's currently making a fool of himself trying to woo the love of his useless life, nobody. I'm too soft.

CROWLEY: What a wanker!

AZIRAPHALE: I'm afraid he is. No, decidedly, sex makes fools of us all!

CROWLEY: That's my point!

Scene 4

_ (Same place, a few hours/bottles later. They are impossibly sloshed. They are dancing ridiculously. There's no music, the party is over.) _

CROWLEY: Say, that fellow of yours. Why don't you ask him out?

AZIRAPHALE: There's a lot to consider, dear boy. He must date incessantly, and he wouldn't date someone like me… I wouldn't date someone like him.

CROWLEY: What a bastard!

AZIRAPHALE: Don't you dare! And what about you and your angel?

CROWLEY: Oh, he'll never look my way. Too fussy, prim and proper.

AZIRAPHALE: Such an idiot!

CROWLEY: Don't you dare!

  
  


Act 2

Scene 1

_ (Crowley is freshly showered and half-dead. He looks like a masterpiece of mummy-making: clean fabric, perfect hair and the dread in his eyes. He quickly covers them with fashionable round sunglasses and takes a look around the place which makes his hangover much worse, so he collapses against a tree. He's in a quiet corner of the garden, no, he's in an alley, and a row of trees separates him from another alley. He'd very much like to throw up but he threw up everything an hour earlier. He hears the approaching steps of Bea, Newton, Anathema and Gabriel. It makes him wince.) _

CROWLEY: Here they come… love birds. 

_ (Down the alley he's lying in comes Adam, a lanky and awkward teenager.) _

CROWLEY: Boy! Adam!

_ (The boy stops and comes closer. He's curious.) _

CROWLEY: Back in my room there's a thick book of Kant. 

ADAM: I'm not allowed to use this kind of language.

CROWLEY: Kant is a German philosopher, not a female organ. He'd be scared shitless… so, bring it to me, ok?

ADAM: And why should I do that? Uncle Aziraphale says I shouldn't listen to you but should follow your example… whatever he means by it.

CROWLEY: Bring me the book, and I'll tell you why you should ask Warlock out and should stop asking Pepper out.

ADAM: Might as well tell me now.  _ (He's blushing.) _

CROWLEY: Nah, bring the book first.

_ (Adam is annoyed, flustered and unexpectedly obliging.) _

CROWLEY: They say I'm good with kids… Hope so… German philosophy is the most sobering thing ever. Also, makes one sleepy in any circumstances.  _ (His hand is grabbing for something which is for awhile nothing but air but then finds a fancy cup full of green liquid which he takes a sip of and winces so hard he might as well be a tragic hero.)  _ Spinach, broccoli, cucumbers, kiwi, green apples… either the Almighty has something against the colour green or the colour green is the colour of the Almighty's anger… Kant must have been green deep down inside… Get married, they say. Good with kids, rich, soft as a feather… me, soft. Hmph. Not soft. Or nice. Or kind. Probably dreamy… when drunk. I'll never get married. People like me, those who invent murderous software, shouldn't have any happy endings, you know. Nah… makes me too tragic. I'm a bastard. A demon, I guess… and what would I marry for? Companionship? Sex? Nah, can't take any of that… Want to take care of someone… of Aziraphale. He gave away his share of inheritance to charity. Still is formidably rich cos he's the best bookworm ever, and no auction can take place without his invaluable expertise… nah, wouldn't ever look my way… when he does, there are violins… and then boom! Baaah… where's that gay boy? Shhhh… doesn't know he's gay yet. 

Scene 2

_ (Bea, Newton, Anathema and Gabriel are choking on their laughter.) _

ANATHEMA: It's so clever, sweetheart.  _ (She kisses Newt and Gabriel looks wistfully at Bea who rolls their eyes.) _

BEA: I doubt it'll work. Deep down Crowley is too soft to accept…

ANATHEMA: Shush!

NEWT: He's a war… hero.

ANATHEMA: No, sweetie, I'm a war hero. He just wrote some code.

BEA: He made a game!!! And when you war people approached him, he was poor and literally too hungry to think clearly.

GABRIEL: And now he's a legend!  _ (He catches Bea's vibe and shuts up.) _

ANATHEMA: So, so this is my attempt to make things right! I'm arranging for his happiness!

_ (Bea shushes her and nods towards a tree that hides Crowley, although his endless legs leave a lot to hide. It's basically a very tired tree with legs.) _

ANATHEMA: Anyway! Newt and Gabriel will talk to Aziraphale. And you and me, we'll talk to Crowley!

GABRIEL: No, we're wasting such a good opportunity to tease them! Let's talk here, now about how Aziraphale pines for Crowley, which isn't even false! And Newt and me, we'll make sure Aziraphale hears us when we talk about how Crowley pines for him!

BEA: That's actually brilliant.

GABRIEL: Awww…

BEA: Shut it!

_ (He does shut it.) _

NEWT: Wicked!

Scene 3

_ (A walk down the memory road. A few instances of Aziraphale gushing about Crowley.) _

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (To Newt who just nods.)  _ He's obnoxious, my dear! Entirely obnoxious… Nobody should sway their hips like that, it's sinful and alarmingly beautiful.

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (To Gabriel who just nods.)  _ He's an awful, awful man! Very attractive, mind you, but awful! This easy charm and funny jokes and definitely false kindness… He tricks the children into trusting him, and isn't it just worryingly enticing?

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (To Anathema who just nods.)  _ Remarkable fellow, this Crowley. Must date incessantly! Everyone must like him and adore his soft hair and clever hands! Isn't it wile? He should be fucked… thwarted thoroughly.

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (To Bea who just nods.)  _ I can't stand the man. Don't even get me started about his soft smiles and kind gestures! Insufferable! Can't stand a minute in his company.

BEA:  _ (To the audience.)  _ He doth protest too much, huh? 

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (Alone, to himself.)  _ Maybe we should have sex… crepes!!!

Scene 4

_ (Giggling and winking Newt and Gabriel leave. Anathema and Bea get closer to the Crowley tree and begin talking uncharacteristically loudly.) _

ANATHEMA: My heart aches for Aziraphale.

BEA:  _ (hushed)  _ Sounds like something Aziraphale would say.

_ (Crowley behind his tree stirs at the mention of Aziraphale like a freshly fledged chick with a hangover who might have eaten its twin in the egg and is feeling vaguely guilty about it.) _

ANATHEMA: Well, this is what he does say! All the time! He… he yearns for Crowley. 

BEA: I could understand that. Why doesn't he ask Crowley out? 

ANATHEMA:  _ (rolling her eyes so hard it can be heard)  _ Aziraphale doesn't believe Crowley could ever fancy him. 

BEA: So he yearns?

ANATHEMA: So he yearns, and wails and doesn't know what to do with himself. The other day we were talking and he said how he wished for a day he could take Crowley out on his ideal date and was certain Crowley wouldn't like it.

BEA: What is his idea of a perfect date?

_ (Crowley stirs. He looks like a man who's ready to listen and memorise everything he is about to hear.) _

ANATHEMA: You know Aziraphale. Going for a picnic. Dining at the Ritz. He spoke about it with such a soft, wistful smile… it's heartbreaking that Crowley doesn't see his suffering. 

_ (Crowley is almost crying. His trembling hand spills the green goo all over his black outfit and he curses under breath, visibly disgusted by the whole experience. Then he remembers that he is eavesdropping and forgets about the goo for a while.) _

BEA: I wonder too. Aziraphale is so obviously smitten with him and Crowley for all his bad guy image is as soft as… a feather. Of a dead chick.

ANATHEMA:  _ (hushed)  _ No need to be morbid.

BEA:  _ (also hushed)  _ Always, there's always some need to be morbid.

ANATHEMA: He's… he barely eats!

_ (Crowley looks horrored.) _

Scene 5

_ (A short walk down the memory lane. An instance of Aziraphale eating.) _

NEWT:  _ (is talking) _

CROWLEY, BEA, GABRIEL:  _ (pointedly not listening) _

ANATHEMA:  _ (pointedly listening) _

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (puts a forkful of cake into his mouth and moans) _

CROWLEY:  _ (stirs, looks up, looks at Aziraphale and swallows) _

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (to Newt)  _ My dear fellow, you're so smart.

CROWLEY:  _ (looking around in disbelief, as it seems that nobody noticed that Aziraphale had just come in public)  _ Gotta go… there's… a thing. A boot. In my snake.  _ (Runs away.) _

GABRIEL: What a peculiar man…

_ (BEA glares at him and he apologizes quietly.) _

Scene 6

_ (Cont. from scene 4.) _

BEA: No fucking way!

ANATHEMA: He does! Yesterday he refused cake!

_ (CROWLEY is crying.) _

BEA:  _ (hushed)  _ It's working. Look at him.

_ (ANATHEMA peeks at CROWLEY and giggles.) _

ANATHEMA: If I were him, I would this instant run to the shops to pack the most glorious picnic basket and make a reservation at the Ritz. 

_ (They walk away giggling. CROWLEY crawls out of his hiding and stands up, covered in green smoothie and with an idiotic grin on his face.) _

CROWLEY:  _ (to the audience)  _ You heard that? He yearns for me…  _ (suddenly serious)  _ Oh my darling angel, I'm on my way, I'll give you the most scrumptious picnic of your life! Don't yearn, my love, you only deserve the best.

_ (He scurries away.) _

Scene 7

_ (AZIRAPHALE is reading in the library. The windows are open, the pleasant breeze is playing with the curtains. GABRIEL and NEWT stand outside by the window, but invisible to AZIRAPHALE because of the curtain play and a helpful rose bush.) _

GABRIEL: I can hardly believe you, Newt. 

NEWT: Well, you should. Anathema and I heard him say it. He sighed and… and… He said he was hopelessly pining for your brother. 

GABRIEL: Is that so? Pity… My brother deserves the best and Crowley… well… he's far from the best, isn't he?

_ (AZIRAPHALE stands up loudly. He looks out of the window and notices GABRIEL and NEWT. They look his way and AZIRAPHALE immediately cowers. GABRIEL and NEWT exchange positively wicked smiles and continue with their game.) _

NEWT: To each their own, Gabriel. Besides, Crowley… He's helplessly in love with Aziraphale. He would do anything for him.

_ (AZIRAPHALE can't breathe apparently.) _

GABRIEL: Then maybe he should..? You know… A little less conversation, a little more action? Flowers… and suchlike.

NEWT: He's afraid Aziraphale will refuse him.

GABRIEL:  _ (pensively)  _ I can understand it… Anyway! If his love is as strong as you're implying, then he should do something.

_ (AZIRAPHALE looks lost. He's sitting on the floor under the window, hand on his mouth.) _

NEWT: Maybe Aziraphale should do something? After all he does nothing but scolds Crowley at every chance.

GABRIEL: He means well…

NEWT: Like hell he does! Crowley is a good man. He's kind, he's smart, and Anathema considers him her best friend.

GABRIEL: Bea too…

NEWT:  _ (hushed)  _ This is not about you, Gabriel!

GABRIEL:  _ (hushed)  _ Oh, right… sorry. But Bea does think the world of Crowley. Maybe Aziraphale should listen…

_ (GABRIEL is too far gone to continue. He's so obviously pining for BEA, they appear above his head as a mirage. NEWT rolls his eyes and drags him away. As he does, his phone falls out of his pocket. AZIRAPHALE stays under the windowsill.) _

AZIRAPHALE: My darling boy… How cruel I was to you! I should have… We could… oh darling, we could have been together… I could have held you through the night, could have kissed your eyes. Oh… oh Crowley. 

_ (He gets up and rushes out of the room.) _

Act 3

Scene 1

_ (Enter the villain, pardon, SHADWELL. He's an old man, although his poor life choices are more to blame than his age. Were this an allegory, he would be cast as Toxic Masculinity, and that's why he's standing on an empty stage. He addresses the audience, because nobody else would listen, and the audience listens only because there's nothing else to do.) _

SHADWELL: I served under her. Can you imagine the humiliation? To serve under this young, inexperienced WOMAN! War is no place for pussies.  _ (He laughs at his own joke.)  _ Then she makes me resign. I'm not up to the task, she said. Too old-fashioned. Too willing to take the risk. Well, lass, the war is all about the risk. And glory. She's wanton, too. A slut. Here.  _ (He takes a phone out of his pocket.)  _ This idiot dropped it. He and his entire family of pansies… they'll burn in hell. She sent some sassy pictures to her groom.  _ (He spits and looks through the pictures on the phone. We know it due to a large screen behind him that shows us Anathema smiling dreamily while wearing her uniform, Anathema and Newt kissing.)  _ Not to mention the messages. Here. Just listen and tell me if such a person can lead our country to victory.  _ Pumpkin, I miss you so much. Miss all of you. Winking at you so hard.  _ Disgusting!  _ Pumpkin, can you pick up my dress from the tailor? I can't make it on time.  _ Sentimental bitch.  _ Honey, I can't seem to find my engagement ring. Could it be that I left it at yours last night?  _ Terrible woman. Old-fashioned, am I? Well, not old-fashioned enough to forget how to shame some softie that imagines herself the next Caesar… So… how about I post these pictures and messages everywhere and show her that no man worthy of his… manliness would lower himself to spend a lifetime with her. Bitch!

_ (SHADWELL leaves. We see on the screen as the messages and pictures are loaded to NEWT'S accounts on various social networks. Unlike the author, SHADWELL is awfully good at tagging. Trolls begin to flood the posts immediately.) _

Scene 2

_ (ANATHEMA is a busy woman, so her engagement party is followed by the rehearsal dinner. Somehow a photographer is also here. He is somewhat lost. Everyone is dressed impeccably, but AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY stand out, both dressed in white. As for the loving couple, they are dressed like Tim Burton's wildest dream, which is simultaneously tragic and hysterical.) _

PHOTOGRAPHER:  _ (to AZIRAPHALE and CROWLEY)  _ Such a beautiful couple! Stand a bit closer, will you?

CROWLEY: Oh…  _ (He's been looking dreamily at AZIRAPHALE and apparently has forgotten that language is required for a successful communication.) _

AZIRAPHALE: We're not a couple! I mean I'm…

CROWLEY: We're not getting married! I mean, I'm not opposed to the idea…

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (swooningly)  _ Oh, you aren't?

_ (This awfully embarrassing interaction is interrupted by BEA who walks in with a tablet and does something complex with their face which makes Crowley move to join his friend but as he does, ANATHEMA'S ice-cold voice is heard. It really is a blessing that most of the guests haven't arrived because ANATHEMA is beautifully terrifying and NEWT is sufficiently terrified.) _

ANATHEMA: I won't even ask why you did it. I can't believe though that you're so lacking in imagination that you'd go straight for the misogynistic rhetoric. 

NEWT: I swear, I didn't do anything, I've told you I've lost my phone.

ANATHEMA: And isn't it convenient?

AZIRAPHALE: What is going on?

BEA:  _ (morbidly)  _ Newt posted some of Anathema's pictures and private messages online. Allowed her to be seen as a human woman, but in such a way that now we're having a flood of trolls. I'm handling it.

_ (CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE look at each other.) _

AZIRAPHALE: This is very unlike Newt…

ANATHEMA: Oh really? As if he's the first person in the world to betray my trust… I'm not some… I'm in the military. I'm a fucking general. People know me. Media knows me. The last thing I need is anyone knowing I'm a human.

NEWT: I'd never do anything…

ANATHEMA: But you did.

CROWLEY: Wait, wait, wait. This idiot, he can barely use a phone without breaking it. How come he made such a savvy post with such savvy tags?  _ (He's looking over BEA's shoulder at the tablet.) _

ANATHEMA: Oh, so you trust him? Solidarity?

AZIRAPHALE: It's the truth. He's hopeless with technology. And it doesn't sound like him…

ANATHEMA: You're a fucking disgrace, all of you.

BEA: I didn't say anything.

_ (GABRIEL rushes in and punches NEWT in the face.)  _

GABRIEL: You twat! Now Bea will never go out with me!

BEA:  _ (barely looking up from their tablet)  _ Nice punch. I'll never go out with you anyway, but I'm disgusted that this is what's bothering you.

CROWLEY:  _ (Suddenly quite the general himself, confident and a bit shaking.)  _ Look, I think I need to do some hacking. We need to find that phone before this shit gets any shittier. So, I'm gonna do it. Gabriel, you take care of the guests. Bea, you're taking care of Anathema. Aziraphale, as the only angel in the room, you make sure Newt doesn't do anything stupid.

_ (AZIRAPHALE, BEA and ANATHEMA smile affectionately. NEWT is crestfallen and forgotten and bleeding on the floor, while GABRIEL is still processing that BEA would never go out with him.) _

CROWLEY: For the record, I'm protecting you, Anathema, first and foremost.

BEA: I was going to ask you to do it anyway.

CROWLEY: Well, I am a good friend. I guess. I hope.

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (softly)  _ You are, my dear. No doubt about it.

_ (While CROWLEY is speechless with love, AZIRAPHALE picks NEWT up and leads him away. BEA and ANATHEMA leave too. GABRIEL sulks some more, until CROWLEY hisses at him. It brings GABRIEL back to life and he scurries to shoo away the guests.) _

Scene 3

_ (Same room, decorated and gloomy in its irony. CROWLEY is sitting on the floor, laptop on his, well, lap. He's furiously typing and furiously smoking. AZIRAPHALE walks in. CROWLEY looks up at him.) _

CROWLEY: You've been crying.

AZIRAPHALE: I was, rather. However much I disapproved of their union, they seemed to be very much in love… I guess I'll need to cry some more.  _ (AZIRAPHALE turns to go. CROWLEY looks at him with so much emotion, we're all drowning in it.) _

CROWLEY:  _ (blurts out)  _ I love you so much it freaks me out. Is not that fitting?

_ (AZIRAPHALE stops in his tracks and looks back at CROWLEY who is trying to force himself into some nonchalance. AZIRAPHALE chokes on his next breath and swiftly walks closer to CROWLEY. CROWLEY is so lost, he's trying to stand up but gravity and laptop prevent him from doing so. Gravity and laptop high-five each other.) _

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (pointing at CROWLEY)  _ You! You! You… 

_ (CROWLEY is a bit scared and crouches back until he lands into a flowerbed in all the glory of his white suit.) _

AZIRAPHALE: And now your arse is dirty!

_ (They burst out laughing.) _

AZIRAPHALE: My darling… oh my darling.

CROWLEY: Me? Your darling? Really?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh my darling…  _ (He drops to his knees and pulls CROWLEY into a kiss.)  _ My beautiful boy, my clever snake.  _ (He kisses CROWLEY's face all over. CROWLEY giggles.) _

CROWLEY: Would you… would you like to join me in my hunt? I could use your wonderfully pleasant company for… uplifting my spirits, so to speak.

AZIRAPHALE: Darling, of course, gladly. What shall we do?  _ (He sits next to CROWLEY, they… oh dear me, they snuggle and sit in blissful silence for a few moments until they realise they do have a work to do.) _

CROWLEY: So, I… well, I hacked a few things and found Newt's phone. 

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (adoringly)  _ You wicked thing.

CROWLEY:  _ (beaming like a fucking beam)  _ I am. Does it bother you?

AZIRAPHALE: _(in love)_ Of course it does. You're so wicked I can't stand you… 

CROWLEY: So… according to the address the phone is in the flat of the former subordinate of Anathema's, Shadwell is the name. He's a total arse. I don't know why Anathema even invited him. Saw him around here… lurking. 

AZIRAPHALE: Newt told me he had apparently dropped his phone somewhere during the day. Shadwell must have found it and… Oh dear, what shall we do?

CROWLEY: We can go to him… Might need to take Gabriel with us so he… uses his mighty punch. Is Newt ok?

AZIRAPHALE: He is. I mean, he absolutely isn't but Gabriel's punch is more impressive than effective. 

CROWLEY: Good to know.

AZIRAPHALE: Darling, I'm not letting my brother anywhere near your face.

_ (CROWLEY swoons. They are embarrassing.) _

_ _


	2. Chapter 2

Act 4

Scene 1

_ (CROWLEY is sitting in his car, waiting. His car is an old Bentley and he might have an unhealthy attachment to it but it's so adorable nobody has ever called him out. He's fumbling with his phone and hair. All the fumbling creates an impression of a poet in search of a rhyme for "rose" which is not "froze".) _

CROWLEY: Music, music, music, music, music, music… the last time I heard Aziraphale speak about music he admired the modernity of Mozart… makes sense, I know, but… let me see… oh fuck, oh fuck, our first drive together and… 

_ (AZIRAPHALE gets into the car. He's beaming, he's lovely, he wiggles, and Crowley simultaneously melts and panics.) _

AZIRAPHALE: There you are, darling. What is it you are doing?

CROWLEY: N… nothi… at all. Is Gabriel coming?

AZIRAPHALE: I suppose if you're changing the subject from yourself to Gabriel of all things, then you're up to no good, per usual.

_ (AZIRAPHALE is teasing him and CROWLEY is loving it. He turns slightly around to face AZIRAPHALE and takes his glasses off. The men look at each other fondly. I suggest you swoon here. They can't be doing all the swooning. They have the plot to move.) _

CROWLEY: So… for which of my no good parts have you fallen in love with me?

_ (AZIRAPHALE laughs. It's a soft, pleasant sound, something both calm and giddy. It's the laughter of someone who enjoys life and has no reason to be ashamed of it.) _

AZIRAPHALE: None of them. You're all good, all of you. 

CROWLEY: Don't you ever talk to me like that, you bastard. I can't handle it.  _ (He can't, he's crying.) _

AZIRAPHALE: i’m surprised you can call me a bastard with so much tenderness in your voice… oh, and Gabriel is coming. We are to pick him up, so… shall we?

CROWLEY: I shall drive through a ring of fire for you, angel, and drink from your lips and drown in your eyes.  _ (He says it with so much sincerity and feeling, that there's no chance Aziraphale doesn't believe him.)  _ I will also drive us to meet your brother wherever he is.

_ (AZIRAPHALE takes a few moments to calm down. He leans in to kiss Crowley and presses their foreheads together.) _

AZIRAPHALE: He's somewhere in the City. Left Newt all alone. 

CROWLEY: How is he?  _ (He starts the car and off they drive while "Siboney" is playing.) _

Scene 2

_ (CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE are in the car. They are waiting for GABRIEL.) _

AZIRAPHALE: Is Bea coming too?

CROWLEY: They are. They won't be happy to see Gabriel though.

AZIRAPHALE: I believe I'm the only person who is sometimes delighted to see Gabriel. Oh, there he is.

_ (GABRIEL gets into the car, and from the opposite side, so does BEA. They sit, look at each other, wince, then look at Aziraphale's hand on the back of CROWLEY's seat, and look at each other triumphantly.) _

BEA: Nobody warned me that this wanker was coming. But alright. Let's go. What's the plan?

GABRIEL: Nobody warned me about you either. But I'm so glad to see you.

CROWLEY:  _ (as he starts driving)  _ Can we sort Newt and Anathema out first and then you can hate each other passionately on the backseat of someone else's car?

BEA: Nah, he's not my type. 

GABRIEL:  _ (crestfallen)  _ I'm not?

BEA: What's the plan?

AZIRAPHALE: Crowley found the phone and our joint theory is that one Mr Shadwell is currently in possession of it.

BEA:  _ The _ Shadwell?

CROWLEY: The one and only.

BEA: I'm gonna bury him alive. Gabriel, I want you to punch him.

AZIRAPHALE: That was the plan! We find him…

CROWLEY: Then Aziraphale being the only kind and polite person here will try to persuade him to… 

BEA: Re-fucking-consider his life choices?

AZIRAPHALE: Something like that, yes.

BEA: It won't work. The man is not a man. Just a heap of bitter hatred sewn into a coat. What's my role?

CROWLEY: Oh, you are here for, you know, the horror of your presence.

BEA:  _ (proudly)  _ Yes, that's me. And then Gabriel punches him, because I want him to.

GABRIEL:  _ (eagerly)  _ I will. Of course. 

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (shaking his head to cover up for the fact that he's enjoying this adventure far more than he should)  _ We drive to his place, I'll walk in, he will let me in…  _ (the last part is said with much conviction and something of a threat; CROWLEY, BEA and GABRIEL look at him in awe) _ And we'll see how it goes.

BEA: Ok, our main purpose is that he admits publicly to stealing the phone and doing the shitty thing… That's too much, isn't it?

GABRIEL: We could definitely promise him the rest of his life somewhere warm and isolated. 

BEA:  _ (unexpectedly admiring)  _ That's corruption. Keep doing this and maybe I'll let you buy me a cup of bad coffee which I will spit on you immediately.

_ (GABRIEL looks terribly aroused about the prospect. BEA rolls their eyes.) _

CROWLEY: We've arrived… ok…

GABRIEL: Just out of curiosity, which one of us has ever intimidated someone and which one of us has any fighting skills apart from my ballroom dancing inspired punch?

BEA: Hey, you can be witty. I might let you buy me a cup of good coffee. Won't spit on you, I'm afraid.

_ (This is the moment when I have to remind you that BEA and GABRIEL are not the main focus of the story and are here merely for laughs. Meanwhile GABRIEL looks like someone who definitely counted on being spat at. I'm ready to discuss his kinks in the comment section.) _

Scene 3

_ (They are climbing up the stairs of a disgusting apartment building. One of them is a corporate shark, another is the handsomest bookworm on the planet and they are accompanied by a game developer turned military man on paper only and a spin doctor who's made their career of scaring people into obedience using Peter Capaldi's performance in "The thick of it" as an inspiration. They are hopeless, but they have watched enough spy/heist movies to think they've got all the right moves and tricks. They are hilarious but so adorable you just can't help loving them, ok?) _

CROWLEY:  _ (stopping by a dirty door and making AZIRAPHALE walk into him and BEA walk into AZIRAPHALE and GABRIEL, into BEA)  _ There he is. Ready?

_ (Nobody is fucking ready.) _

AZIRAPHALE: Alright, I'll knock.  _ (He knocks. CROWLEY and BEA press their backs to the wall on the left of the door and GABRIEL is pining on the right, pushing his back into the wall too. They think they look like all of the Ocean's eleven but they are ridiculous. SHADWELL opens the door.) _

Scene 4

_ (AZIRAPHALE pushes his way inside leaving his company behind. He looks at SHADWELL with terrifying warmth.) _

AZIRAPHALE: Hello. I believe you've got my cousin's phone with you. Could we talk?

_ (It's all about the attitude here. AZIRAPHALE is scary. He's warm and soft and kind but there's something uncanny to his form, to his movements. He's not the man one would be comfortable to say 'no' to.) _

Scene 5

_ (Outside GABRIEL, BEA and CROWLEY try to spread themselves over the door to hear what's going on behind it.) _

CROWLEY: Sexy secret badass.

BEA: You're embarrassing.

GABRIEL: He is a secret badass, though. Nobody can argue with him… I tried once. He wiped the floors with me. 

BEA: You seem to enjoy that kind of thing.

GABRIEL: Not with my own brother doing the wiping.

CROWLEY: Did you mean it? About someplace warm and stuff?

_ (GABRIEL takes a step back, pulls his phone out of his pocket and for a few minutes he's concentrated on whatever is going on on his screen. It's boring. CROWLEY is leaning sexily into the door and BEA is looking at either of them. So much action.) _

GABRIEL: Ok, bought him a house… somewhere warm and made sure he'll receive one million pounds in cash in ten minutes.

BEA: You gave him a million pounds in cash?

GABRIEL: Yes. You think it's not enough? I'll add another million… Don't look at me like that, Bea, I'm a corporate shark, I have no idea what money is. Always had some.

BEA: You're an arsehole. I  _ love  _ it.

CROWLEY: And you're calling me embarrassing? Look at you two. Disgusting.

BEA: I am, rather. Sexy. 

_ (GABRIEL melts. The door opens and before CROWLEY can fall through it AZIRAPHALE catches him, all the while holding the damned phone in his left hand.) _

Scene 5

AZIRAPHALE: So… I hope, brother, you meant it about your little bribe. He's released a statement and he's looking forward to his payment.

GABRIEL:  _ (in awe)  _ Everything is settled.

AZIRAPHALE: Jolly good!  _ (He kisses CROWLEY triumphantly on the mouth.) _

BEA: How did you do it? For, you know, future reference.

AZIRAPHALE: Doesn't matter. I can be persuasive, when I'm properly inspired.  _ (He looks tenderly at lovestruck CROWLEY.) _

BEA:  _ (looking at their phone)  _ Wow… wow… that's some statement there, Aziraphale.

AZIRAPHALE: I might have helped dear Mr Shadwell with the wording. 

BEA: Fuck, you're a treasure. 

_ (CROWLEY possessively lays his arm over AZIRAPHALE's shoulders which AZIRAPHALE welcomes with a happy sigh.) _

GABRIEL: Now we only have Anathema and Newt to deal with.  _ (He forces a smile on his face. The rest look at him in horror.) _

Scene 6

_ (I know, I know, we jump a lot here. They are back in the car. AZIRAPHALE places his hand on CROWLEY's thigh and they look at each other which quickly becomes their main stage direction. The backseats could only wish for the same kind of happiness.) _

AZIRAPHALE: Bea, could you talk to Anathema?

BEA: I'll try.

GABRIEL: I'll talk to Newt.

AZIRAPHALE: Just don't punch him again, brother dear.

CROWLEY: I thought it would take much more time… so… shall I drop any of you anywhere?

AZIRAPHALE: Not getting rid of me any time soon, darling.

BEA: I'm going back with you.

GABRIEL: And so am I.

CROWLEY: Bloody hell!

Act 5

Scene 1

_ (That same unfortunate room where CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE admitted their love for each other. ANATHEMA is there and GABRIEL and BEA, as well as CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE.) _

CROWLEY:  _ (to ANATHEMA, softly)  _ You're sure you don't mind?

ANATHEMA: Someone must end up happy here, if only for the sake of the narrative.

CROWLEY: As long as you don't mind.

ANATHEMA: For fuck's sake, Crowley, I don't care… I mean… I owe you.

CROWLEY: Nah, it's all Aziraphale. 

_ (NEWT walks in. There is a happy reunion nobody cares about.)  _

GABRIEL:  _ (to CROWLEY)  _ Do it! Or I'll ask Bea out.

CROWLEY: You know, I'd love to see you try.

_ (BEA comes by, casually pushes CROWLEY towards AZIRAPHALE and sits next to GABRIEL.) _

CROWLEY: You're terrible and I love you. 

BEA: Love you too, Crowley. Go for it. 

_ (ANATHEMA and NEWT are still in the midst of their sweet reunion. AZIRAPHALE beams at them until CROWLEY comes closer. AZIRAPHALE is a bastard.) _

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, you're up to no good.

CROWLEY: Obviously. And you?

AZIRAPHALE: Up to proving to you that you and no good don't go together well.

_ (PHOTOGRAPHER makes an appearance.) _

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, such a lovely couple…

AZIRAPHALE:  _ (practically growling and oozing sarcasm, but politely)  _ We are not a couple. We don't know each other. I haven't seen him before. 

_ (CROWLEY is looking at him with unashamed adoration. The guests start to pour in, ANATHEMA, BEA and GABRIEL are gesticulating at CROWLEY over the small crowd but CROWLEY doesn't see them and neither does AZIRAPHALE.) _

CROWLEY:  _ (taking AZIRAPHALE's hand)  _ Let's run away together?

AZIRAPHALE: How about the Ritz? 

CROWLEY: Yeah, let's run away to the Ritz. 

_ (They are sneaking out as the wedding begins.) _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.  
This is my last hurrah in the fandom.


End file.
